can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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