Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
