NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
