I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
