just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
