if you like me you must not know who I am
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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