It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
