Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
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