singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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