Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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