i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
