it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
