I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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