Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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