We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
