So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
