you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
