im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
