My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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