Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
not ubering you a puppy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
