Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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