My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We left the knife in your bed.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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