I'm so fucking centered right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
