I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
