FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
