i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
