Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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