I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
