Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
