im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
