the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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