how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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