Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
