my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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