i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
