I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
