Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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