she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
