Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I wish my penis had an off switch
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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