im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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