I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
