Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and she was petting her beer can
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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