I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
