some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
