Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
She said her name was "party"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
