My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
