Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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