i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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