When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize