I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
