toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
