it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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