Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
