I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize