I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
