At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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