a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
