you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
