Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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