First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
