i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
