everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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