dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
